I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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