i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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