Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
