Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
