I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
