We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
