You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
