Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
