remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
