He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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