NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
