Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize