Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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