I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
