I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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