Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
