i'm signing you up for texting rehab
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
