new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
someone owes me an orgasm
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
