First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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