my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
