You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
