She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
