i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
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Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
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Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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