On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
