I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
