When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
