as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
honey bunches of taint.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
