Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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