You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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