Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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