im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
