In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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