did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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