it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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