Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Success! We fucked roommates!
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