I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
