I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
thus making me awesome and them whores
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Mom said you looked used
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
