I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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