He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
