matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
