my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
