Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
another moral hangover. fuck.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
