So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
