I must be too annoying 4 u.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I think pants incapable of making pants work
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything