Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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