Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
