How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
