What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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