if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
