Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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