you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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