The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Randomize
