put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
