God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
