he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
