whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
