Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My vagina is officially offended.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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